I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
