drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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