wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
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