Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
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I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I will be naked everywhere
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
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He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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