I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
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Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
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Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...