I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize