I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.