....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
