What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
