shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
