He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
