I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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