I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
