Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you will always have a special place in my vag
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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