Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
