I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish i was in the wii world.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
