Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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