I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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