How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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