I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
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well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
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Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning