My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
