So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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