I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
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THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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