I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?