don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist