What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
