Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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