How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
