What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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