I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
