a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
