all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
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I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
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How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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