If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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