um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
