woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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