i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
