he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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