this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
