I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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