did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
organizing the empties. That sober.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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