i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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