Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
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she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
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Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?