One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER