i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life