Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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