Ambien. No doubt about it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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