She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
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The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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