11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Blood and glitter go together right?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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