Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters