i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems