He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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