bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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