there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
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I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
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It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!