The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party