dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
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A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.