She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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